The Red Sox, hanging by a thread, squared off against the Garrett Crochet and the historically bad White Sox on Satuday night behind Cooper Criswell in a game that was ultimately most notable for being a FOX game and, ergo, having Don Orsillo on the call. I wasn’t even mad, then, that his first real call was a two-run home run by Andrew Vaughn after Sox legend Andrew Benintendi socked a single:

It took the Sox exactly zero minutes to respond, leading off with two hits and a fielder’s choice by Refsnyder to make it 2-1 with a runner on third and one out. All Tyler O’Neill did was make it 3-2 and get Orsillo in his natural element — enthusiastically calling Sox dongs — as the Sox swung away with abandon against Crochet, a premier pitcher who struggles early in games:

Then Romy Gonzalez singled, and stole second… and then, to prove a point, stole third, after which Connor Wong doubled off the Monster to make it 4-2, Sox. That was all the damage the Sox would do, however, as the Sox stemmed the bleeding. I suppose that’s confusing but it’s a very basic joke, you get it.

Not a lot happened while I watched old Oasis videos (I’m of a certain age) until the top of the third, when a two-out Benintendi single put runners on the corners with two outs for the Pale Hose (that’s what they call the White Sox. Also I should note I’ve been to the White Sox ballpark more often than I’ve been to Fenway. Sorry if this offends. I wish it wasn’t true. Didn’t cost a lot though and went to college nearby.) Anyhow Criswell got out of it.

RE: Oasis, Here’s “Some Might Say” live at Knebworth in 1996:

I get on Fitzy for his (unceasing) Coldplay stuff and I don’t take it back, though perhaps the real problem is that he hasn’t been properly Educated, and hopefully this musical interlude can help in that department.

Bottom three, O’Neill singled and Gonzalez doubled, bringing O’Neill home well after the tag that the catcher dropped because that’s what you do when you’re all-time terrible, making it 5-2. And then the moment of triumph: Trevor Story, in his first game since early April, singled home a run to make it 6-2:

Fast-forward to the bottom of the fifth when O’Neill went in the direction of the name of this website for his second homer of the day to make it 7-2:

It made six multi-homer games for O’Neill, the most for any Red Sox in 10 years (you can guess who did it last, but if you can’t, it was David Ortiz, who was at the game but didn’t visit the booth; I, too, would avoid A.J. Pierzynski at all costs).

The good news is that as the game gets temporarily out of hand, Pierzynski and Orsillo get to talking, and, folks, we had a genuine “Orsillo stifles a laugh” moment. Maybe you can repeat the past, Nick Carraway?

Then Benintendi hit a three-run homer, which is hilarious:

In the rare entirely sincere way, couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. The Sox cleaned it up after that, with Benintendi, who hadn’t been retired before then, making the final out. We Live.